Mother & Child
There are three big things I hold inside. Today I’m going to let them out. (Takes deep breath)......
* I was an emotionally abused child and allowed my parents to continue this abuse until I was in my 50’s.
* I have PTSD that manifests itself in bouts of depression, high anxiety, panic attacks, and severe insomnia. I have as much of a handle on it as humanly possible but it’s something I (and those who love me) will always live with.
* I am a rejected mother.
That last one is the deep secret, the pain that has shattered me permanently, that I have hidden from the world until now. It has built to a level that I no longer want to hide this. By God’s grace this may find its way into the hands of someone who needs to know they are not alone. May this be a way I can use this disaster to help another.
I gave birth to one child. A daughter. My sunshine. My heart. However, I have been blessed with other children who came to me (and my guy; our daughter and our children of heart are ours but this is about me today. That, too will rear an ugly head in a bit) later in my life and theirs. In my life I count myself to have 4 children and three children-in-law: the one I gave birth to and her husband, another daughter and her wife (they’ve given us 4 amazing grandchildren), a son, another son and his very soon-to be-wife. There are several others whom I (we) think of as part of my (our) family. The family has grown over time and hopefully continues to grow. I’m a firm believer that family is not bound by blood but by love.
Telling you about my children, my family, begins the story of my being a rejected mother. My birth daughter has rejected me. Completely. Throughly. In her reality, I was too hard on her as a child. I never listened to her or was there for her. I made everything about myself (there’s the ugly head I mentioned earlier. Yep, this blog is about me so evidently I am doing it again). I continued the cycle of abuse begun by my parents by forcing her to see them, by allowing them to have an effect on my life and needing her to make adjustments so that I didn’t have to deal with their reactions and recriminations. This is what she has told me. I suspect there is more. Specifically that I love others as my own. In her mind, I think anyway, she is not loved, or at least loved less, because I love others. That somehow I rejected her.
Love and a heart are strange things. Even though I know that people have different capacities for love, it is not possible for me to speak about anyone else’s capacity for love but my own. Each child, child-in-law and grandchild hold every inch of space in my heart. My heart is not divided into equal sections for I do not love them equally as they are different people. I do, however, love each as they are. Completely and unconditionally. How a heart holds complete and unconditional love for so many all at once is a mystery I do not understand but know to be true.
This is somehow beyond my daughter’s understanding. It seems to me that she loves in a way that does not allow for completeness but hierarchy. I don’t know how to help her or even if I am supposed to help her. I know only that somehow she feels I failed her and wants no contact with me.
I have been through therapy. I have dissected my life almost by the day, especially my days of motherhood. Did I make mistakes? Heaven help me, yes I did. Did I make the mistakes I’ve been accused of? Some. I did try to appease my parents for a very long time. That I am sorry for. I was hard on her but believe that it was appropriate for the knowledge I had at the time. I certainly listened and was present for her but understand that it may not have been as much as she wanted. And I probably did make things about me when she thought it wasn’t necessary. What I have learned is this: I gave the best I had to give in every moment. I made decisions with the knowledge I had at the time. I was not abusive even though she had contact with my parents. I protected her the best I could. I loved her (and still do) unconditionally. I am human and have and will make mistakes. Whatever I think, she believes in her version of her life and, like it or not, she has that right.
I miss her. The pain is a living thing inside of me. I work at keeping it at bay. I continue to live my life. I’m a woman with the need to love and nurture and a nature that tries to forgive and love unconditionally. That won’t change because my daughter thinks less of me for it. It can’t or I wouldn’t be me. I am not a terrible person.
If you are reading this and are a rejected parent, know you are not alone. Know that the pain will always be there but time will give you more and more moments of normality. Will it spring up unexpectedly? Will certain times of the year bring it to the surface? Yes. Oh, yes. But I promise you that if you live a true life, if you remain the unconditional loving person you’ve always been, then peace of mind will come. Our children become adults and we have no control or influence on their decisions. Our job is not to like all that they do but to respect their right to live as they see fit. That is how we live after all. It doesn’t help to ease the pain as much as it gives some perspective to the situation. This perspective is what allows the pain and grief to recede. Pain and grief never quite leave us but that’s ok. It’s ok to not be ok sometimes. Learn, like I am, not to let it run your life.
I miss my daughter. Today is a bad day. But I respect her right to live her life as she sees fit even if it means without me. And that belief means that tomorrow will bring joy after this dark day.
If you are a rejected parent and need to talk, please leave a comment. I’ll respond and we can talk. You are not alone.
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