Tony, Oscar, Grammy, SAG and other assorted awards

We’ve reached the season of the awards shows. These are very confusing to me -awards given by people who make lots of money for pretending to other people who also make lots of money for pretending. Why don’t they just pretend that they have all won an award, give the money for the razzle-dazzle to charity, and spare us the agony of watching them pretend to be thrilled when they lose?

How did these awards get their names? The “Tony” is given to people on Broadway which is in New York which used to be run by the Mob who are by tradition mostly Italian so the name sort of makes sense. After all the “Al Capone” just doesn’t sound right whereas the “Tony” would gain the approval of the Godfather.

The Oscar was purportedly named after somebody’s uncle who apparently looked like the little statue. It may just be me but I’ve known several Oscars and even a few Uncle Oscars but not one of them was bald, naked and covered in gold.

The Grammy and SAG awards are the most puzzling of all. These awards are given to mostly youngish people with nary a SAG on them. Where are all the grandparents? After all the Grammy would not only be a nice way to honor a grandparent but would be practical as well. The thing is shaped appropriately – speak into fluted open end while Grandpa holds it to his ear and he can actually hear you!

And what is an ”Emmy?” Was this one named after some random soap opera actress or is it supposed to be Grammy’s friend from elementary school? Which people are choosing the “People’s Choice” award? None of the guys at the gas station got to vote as far as I can tell. If they did then NASCAR and Monday Night Football would sweep every category with Super Bowl commercials receiving the lifetime achievement award.

Awards should not be given to people who play make-believe every day while being paid zillions of dollars and are hailed as role models. Look – here is someone who fakes their way through life – be like that! No, all awards should go to the every day folk struggling through life. Imagine some of the awards:

Best Actress – Mom for her believable interest in “4th Grade Concert”
Best Actor – Uncle George for his slapstick performance in the comedy “Thanksgiving Day Football Game”
Best Supporting Actress - Aunt Miriam for the gut-wrenching melodrama “I Was Always There For You”
Best Supporting Actor - little brother Jimmy for his finger-pointing role “It Wasn’t Me”
Best Animated Short – young Johnny for “Flip Book: Monster Chasing Stick-Man”
Best Musical Score - Grandma for “5-Bean Salad”
Best Sound Effects - Dad also for “Grandma’s 5-Bean Salad”
Best Cinematography - Victoria’s Secret. This isn’t an actual person but every man would, of course, vote for this and so would every woman who refuses to admit to wearing ‘Comfy Panties by Target.’ It also helps that the only other contender in this category was “Speedos for Men’ which no self-respecting person on the planet would vote for.

These are awards that would be worth watching.