And then the Witch Doctor, he told me what to do…..

Well, he was a she and I wasn’t actually looking for advice but you get the idea. It is Halloween and this seemed the appropriate time to tell my witch doctor story (What? You doubted I had one? Please. It’s me. Of course I do.)


My friend, who happens to be a doctor and seemingly quiet and straight-laced, and I went to the market just to hone our bargaining skills. There was no real reason other than we wanted to have fun and bargaining for whatever caught our eye (as opposed to having a need to buy something and bargaining for “real”) seemed like a good way to pass the afternoon. It turned out there wasn’t much we wanted. Ok. There were some purses - ostrich leather! You knew there was something. We got a great deal! Then Jill decided she’d like to visit a “colleague.” Why she turned to me, I don’t know but it worked (shush, I know I’m called ‘trouble’ for a reason. Be polite.) She said “Hey, do you think one of the market guys could take us to a traditional doctor?” I said “I don’t know, ask” We know where this leads so we will cut to me asking one of the market guys to take us to a traditional doctor. The reply? “Huh?” So I repeat “Can you take us to a traditional doctor?” Same reply. Now I try something a little different “Can you take us to see your doctor?” Reply, “I don’t have a doctor.” Well, this isn’t going so well is it? Jill is standing there smiling expectantly. So I try “Can we see the witch doctor?” And this gets a big response: He looks around quickly, leans in and says “Why?” I come close to sputtering. After all, how hard can it be to get into the witch doctor’s office?? I look at my friend and she says, “I want drugs.” Big mistake. We are instantly surround by dirty, stinking men who are turning out their pockets and going “Pssst, how’s this?” Jill looks at me aghast and says, “What are they doing?” Ok, this isn’t working either. After shooing off all of the dealers I turn to the market guy and say “We want to see a witch doctor so that my friend the doctor can talk about medicine with the witch doctor.” This gets a big grin, a flap of the hand and off we go. Out of the market, through the trash, over the mounds of I don’t wanna know, around the buildings that don’t look habitable and there is the witch doctor’s office. It’s disappointing to be honest. It’s little more than a closet, the witch doctor is a woman, and she is put out that nobody told her we were coming because she doesn’t have her hair wrap on and isn’t presentable. Jill works some kind of western doctor voodoo and they sit down for a chat among the herbs and bark and odd things in remarkably familiar bottles. Oh, and the clock. You can’t forget the clock. It appears to be an early 70’s battery operated wall clock and seems to be rather uncomfortable in its surroundings. The two doctors chat up a storm, touch, crumble and smell a whole host of ‘things,' and after 20 minutes or so are parting as friends. As we leave Jill whispers, with a chuckle, “She’s got a cure for everything!” I pop off with “Does she have a cure for Travis’s disease?” Now I must digress so bear with me…

We work with a man named Travis. Travis has one of the wickedest wits I have ever seen in action. Even when you are on the receiving end it is still funny. He is standing in the cafeteria line one day with another friend and Jill in front of him. The other friend – trying to be funny – says “Hey, doc, Travis has a question for you” and turns to Travis with a big grin. Not missing a single beat, Travis says, “Yeah, he wants to know when the scabbing starts to fall off.” The poor guy turns beet red and the rest of us crack up. Jill calmly says, “Well, it depends on what the problem is, can you explain it?” And Travis says, “It might be gynecephaherpelys.” Jill says, “Give me a day or two and I’ll let you know.” And so it becomes an on-going joke that probably isn’t as funny to you who are reading this as it is to those of us who have lived it.

So….. back to the story…

I pop off with “Does she have a cure for Travis’ disease?” and Jill turns right back and asks, “Do you have something for gynecephaherpelys?” The witch doctor thinks a moment and says, “Oh, yes, it is a secret blend.” Jill says, “May I buy some?” And the deal is made. Yellow bark, bits of several different herbs and a stringy thing (yes, this is the scientific version), about 50 cents and off we go with the cure in hand. Jill brews it up (well, ok she brewed up tea and coffee and cinnamon and garlic and who knows what else), bottled it, labeled it and waited patiently. The next time we all sat down together in the cafeteria for lunch, Jill pulls out the bottle and loudly says “Oh, Travis, I found a cure for your gynecephaherpelys. I’d like you to start taking the meds here and now.” She pulls out a big spoon, pours some of the 'medicine' into and hands it to Travis with a serene but expectant smile. His eyes got big and round and he stuttered a bit and ………............ then Jill let him off the hook.

It wasn’t a scary story but it had a real live witch doctor in it. And it was true. And – in the words of a great young writer – It was fun!

Happy Halloween